[Setting: A stage with a single spotlight. The comedian, let’s call him Joe, walks confidently onto the stage.]
Joe: Hello, everyone! How’s everyone doing tonight? Good? Great! Well, I’m here to make you laugh, or at least try to. So, let’s get started!
Joe: You know, I’ve been thinking about it… why do we call it “fast food” when we spend half an hour in the drive-thru?
[Audience chuckles]
Joe: I mean, if it’s so fast, shouldn’t it be called “instant food” or “blink-and-you-miss-it food”?
[Audience laughs]
Joe: Speaking of food, have you ever noticed that there’s always that one friend who claims to be on a diet but eats more than anyone else at the table?
[Audience nods knowingly]
Joe: Yeah, they’re like, “I’ll just have a salad,” and then they end up ordering a burger, fries, and dessert. I guess their diet plan is to have selective amnesia.
[Audience laughs]
Joe: You know, I recently got a smartwatch, and it keeps telling me to exercise. But I’ve realized something… the only thing it’s making me exercise is my right to ignore it.
[Audience chuckles]
Joe: And have you ever noticed how when you’re waiting for a text message, every vibration in your pocket feels like it’s the one you’re waiting for?
[Audience nods]
Joe: Yeah, it’s like playing Russian roulette with your phone. You’re just waiting for that one buzz that’ll make your day… or ruin it.
[Audience laughs]
Joe: Alright, alright, before I go, I want to leave you with one more thing to ponder. Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
[Audience laughs and applauds]
Joe: Thank you, everyone! You’ve been a wonderful audience. Remember, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade… and then find someone whose life gave them vodka and have a party!
[Audience erupts in laughter and applause as Joe exits the stage.]
[End of script.]